Dec 30, 2012

Hesitant to say goodbye...

You would think I'd be happy to say goodbye to 2012, but I have to admit I'm a little hesitant to let it go. Seeing 2012 end makes me feel like I am accepting that my Mom is really gone. I feel as though if the calendar still says 2012 then she can still come back.

Unfortunately, though, we all know that is not possible. I have to remember that saying goodbye to 2012 doesn't mean that I love my Mom any less or that my heart is any less broken. It just means I continue to pick up the pieces of said heart and try and put them together the best way I know how -- one piece and one day at a time. There will always be gaping holes because Mom took several pieces of my heart with her when she left, but I will carry on and continue to make her proud any way I can -- even if right now that is by just getting out of bed. Even six months later, that is still often my hardest task each day.

I scrolled through my posts in the beginning of 2012 because I'm always so optimistic and excited for a new year and I wanted to see what I had to say about 2012. I found this post. Yup. My signature optimism. I had forgotten that I had picked the word "realize" as my one word for 2012. It sort of took the breathe out of me when I read that ... never did I "realize" that I'd be closing out the year as an orphan. Never once did I "realize" the work that was ahead of me - physically, mentally and emotionally in 2012. 

I'm sure I was thinking more along the lines of realizing my dreams and coming to realize my strengths and joys in life. That being said, 2012 did see me realize my dream of earning my first incentive trip with Stampin' Up -- and that was a much needed escape and a huge blessing. I did realize I was a much stronger person than I had ever imagined and I realized that I have the most incredible siblings on earth. So I am thankful for many things this year -- but it is all just a bit overshadowed.

With that, I turn my attention to 2013. If my Mom taught me anything it was to never be a quitter so while I still quite frequently want to hide and just give up, I will not do that. I will try to conjure up some excitment for the new year of possibilities and press forward.... for her.

I've picked the word DISCOVER for 2013.... mainly because I'm discovering I am a new and very different person. A lot of my thoughts and beliefs have changed. I think I've become a bit more free-spirited and less tied to "rules." I want spend more time with family and live my passions and be happy to the best of my ability. So for me 2013 will be a year for me to discover my new self, discover new opportunities, discover who I am without my Mom, discover what motivates, inspires and feeds me... and move in all of those directions. Afterall, we only live once and we never know when times up.

Sorry for the somewhat sad post to close out the year, but please know that I am wishing you a happy, healthy and successful new year! Be sure to come back beginning January 1 for a countdown to Sale-A-Bration from January 1 - January 22 with new "eye candy" every day!

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